Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
A Shamanic Approach To Recovery by Scott Silverston
If you have ever been intimately involved with someone who suffers from symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD); you know how painful and challenging the process of recovery can be. If you have ever been a victim of gas-lighting and other forms of narcissistic abuse; you understand the confusion that comes from having your boundaries repeatedly violated. After the trauma of experiencing the basic norms of civil discourse and respect for your inherent psychic and emotional sovereignty being thrown to the wayside; it is easy to start to believe that your needs don’t matter; and by extension that you don’t matter.
Let us look at the problem of narcissistic abuse from a shamanic perspective. How does the process unfold, what is the core motivation of the narcissist, and why are some people more vulnerable than others to being victimized?
Narcissistic Motivation
First, we must understand narcissistic motivation; what makes the narcissist or sociopath tick? What is he or she trying to achieve through the abusive behavior? From a shamanic viewpoint, a narcissist’s primary motivation is to feed off the life force energy of other humans. The narcissist’s main strategy is to attack the emotional vulnerabilities of their target and open holes in the target’s energy field that will provide an ongoing source of “nourishment” to the narcissist.
Healthy people derive their spiritual and energetic nourishment from their connection to source energy; Creator and Mother Earth. For emotionally healthy people; the energetic flow between peers is relatively equal in both directions. On some occasions (when one person is needing more support for a specific reason), the energy may temporarily flow more one way than the other; but over time, the energy flow in successful, healthy peer to peer relationships is essentially equal.
With a narcissist or sociopath, this is never the case. A narcissist will insist that the energy flows to him or her almost exclusively. When the energy flows outward from a narcissist; it is usually in an attempt to hook and capture more energy from their victim. To wit, if the narcissist senses their food source restricting the energy flow; he/she will act out in more aggressive or outlandish ways. When the food source pulls back and begins to establish boundaries with the narcissist; this is deeply threatening to the emotional survival of the narcissist. The narcissist will attempt to blow through their victims boundaries and create a situation in which significant negative attention is directed back to the narcissist.
Remember, for a narcissist the primary motivation is securing their energetic food supply and negative attention is equally effective at fulfilling this need as positive attention. The thing a narcissist hates the most is to be marginalized and ignored. A narcissist is so desperate for energy that they will commonly feed off the life energy of their own children which often leads to anxiety disorders and/or PTSD for the children later in life. Narcissism and narcissistic abuse are learned behaviors; passed from generation to generation, from parent to child. The child learns from the parent that feeding off the life force energy of others is the way to meet their emotional survival needs. Once the child agrees (usually unconsciously) to this pattern, it controls much of their future behavior.
Narcissistic Target Selection
Narcissists and Sociopaths tend to choose empathetic, kind-hearted, generous or over-giving, altruistic people as their targets. As Masters of Deception, narcissists often play the victim when in fact they are the abuser. If the narcissist is receiving the desired amount of “energetic nourishment” from their target voluntarily (the empath has bought into playing their role as “rescuer” and the narcissist’s role as “victim”); then life can proceed relatively smoothly albeit in a highly imbalanced way with the target being drained of their life force over time.
Eventually, the target realizes that the dynamic is unsustainable because it is too draining and he/she attempts to establish a boundary. Almost immediately after the target sets a boundary; the narcissist will react (often with aggression and fury). Having closely observed their target since the beginning of their relationship with each other; the narcissist will have a clear profile of the empaths pre-existing wounds and sore spots.
It is here that the narcissist will strike; with the intent to open a family of origin wound deeply in the attack and gas-light their target into believing that because of their pre-existing family of origin wounds it is themselves, not the narcissist, who is somehow deeply flawed and therefore at fault. The narcissist is specifically aiming for a sore spot with the intent to force the trapped emotional energy from that wound to the surface.
Once that energy surfaces in either tears or anger or both; it is a huge food source for the narcissist and also reaffirmation that the narcissist is an “important person”. Remember, to the narcissist, negative attention is better than no attention (just like to a starving person bad tasting food is better than no food at all).
Soul Stealing
After the initial strike has been made; a hole is opened in the energy field of the target. At this hole, the psychic tentacles from the narcissist attach and insert its suckers; pulling energy from the target to the narcissist. Once the psychic tentacles have been deeply implanted in the wounds of the target; gas-lighting and defamation of the target in the community serve the dual purpose of creating further hurt (releasing more emotional energy for the narcissist to feed on) and disorienting / un-grounding the target so they become unaware of the trauma that is occurring. In Shamanic terms, this dynamic is called “Soul Stealing” and the Narcissist is a “Soul Thief”. Different from Soul Loss that results as a by-product of trauma, Soul Stealing involves the intentional taking of life force energy from another person.
The Path to Healing
Once a narcissist or sociopath has hooked into their target on a deep energetic level, it takes significant effort to remove their psychic tentacles. The first step on the road to freedom is to understand the dynamic as described above. The second step is to change the dynamic so that you can remove their feeder tentacles, reclaim your spiritual sovereignty, and quarantine the narcissist/sociopath so that they are not able to re-infect you with their emotional poison.
Shamanic Healing Techniques to Overcome Narcissistic Abuse
We use a combination of Shamanic Healing Techniques to effectively aid the recovery process.
1. EXTRACTION: Immediately and unconditionally cut all unhealthy cords with the narcissist/sociopath and do not engage in any future behavior that allows them to re-attach. Remove all intrusions and tentacles.
2. UNCOVER & UPROOT OLD AGREEMENTS: On some level, often unconsciously, we have agreed to allow the narcissist/sociopath to attach to us. We have unconsciously given our permission to be abused. This is where our responsibility for the situation lies and the part of the dynamic that we must own in order to heal.
Often times, these underlying agreements allowing and accepting narcissistic behavior were formed in our childhood. Children have limited choice about the situation they find themselves in with an abusive parent, and they will often unconsciously give away their own soul parts & make unhealthy agreements in order to ‘keep the peace’, to try to get their emotional needs met, or merely to just survive in an emotionally and psychically toxic environment. Over time, agreements formed in childhood become entrenched in our subconscious and we are not aware of them in day to day life. Yet even without our awareness, they are running the show and have allowed an opening through which the narcissist/sociopath could attach and feed. After extracting the tentacles from the narcissist, the next step it to ask to be shown what old agreement we have that has made us vulnerable and ask to be shown the origin of this agreement (when and why we agreed to it to begin with).
3. SOUL RETRIEVAL: We must recover the lost soul parts both from the time that the old agreement was formed as well as all soul parts being held by the narcissist/sociopath. Additionally, more soul parts may be ready to return that are related to the same agreement and how it has played itself out in other relationships in our life. What is appropriate will vary from case to case and will be revealed in journey work.
4. INSTALL A NEW AGREEMENT: It is imperative to ask to receive a new agreement that will protect us from repeating the pattern to replace the old agreement that made us vulnerable. For example, an old agreement that made us agree to participate in the narcissist’s game might be “I trade my sovereignty for security and companionship”. A new agreement to replace it might be “I keep my light & my truth; and I trust that all my needs will be met as I walk in right relationship”. Once a new agreement is installed, it helps to protect us from repeating the same pattern of behavior that led to our involvement with the narcissist in the first place. Often times, a new agreement cannot be installed until we have recovered our soul parts.
5. POWER ANIMAL RETRIEVAL & SEALING IN THE HEALING: Sealing in the healing is of utmost importance; it is an essential last step in making sure that the positive change is enduring rather than transient. Sometimes Power Animal Retrieval is required as well to add another layer of protection for the returning soul parts and new agreement. What is required will be revealed in the journey work.
Conclusion
Narcissistic abuse can be extremely damaging. Often there are multiple agreements and much soul loss from numerous life events associated with this kind of situation. Recovery involves both healing from the trauma that has been experienced and rewriting our patterning to the point where we person are able to maintain clear boundaries and keep our personal lives completely clear of Narcissists, Sociopaths and other Cluster B personality disorder types of people, especially in close relationships.
True healing requires to free oneself from an intricate and tightly spun web of deception (and self deception) often targeted at some of our most vulnerable childhood wounds.
Combining all the above techniques in one session provides the most effective, positive results to help clients make their recovery not just from narcissistic abuse; but also from many other types of trauma. A single shamanic session can begin to free the person who has experienced narcissistic abuse; and it is also imperative to recognize that the process of healing takes time.
For the most profound empowerment and life changing healing to occur (especially if allowing narcissistic abusers into their life has become a long-standing pattern); learning a specific methodology of self healing is required.
This is the methodology of Shamanic Healing that I teach in our workshops; first guiding each student through the process of learning how to rewrite their own personal agreements and then supporting those students who wish to provide this service to others to apply the techniques professionally.
I look forward to assisting you on your journey.